Monday, July 30, 2007

Celibabcy and Self apprecaition.

I decided to become celibate for various reasons, the most important was for the purification of my mind, and a search for the deeper understanding of my person in or out of a relationship.

it was very hard initially, but I have a hang of it now. Don't get me wrong, I'm one of those chicks that will turn a dude out! I want to be thrown at the ceiling or through a roof! You get the picture?? Get a guy wanting to drop a 7 carat ring, cry home to his momma, drive by my crib with his lights cut out kind of loving.

Well that was back then, it's good and all for a relationship but it doesn't guarantee a soul mate. it does not give quality to matters of the heart. You get to a point in your life, you want more! That piece of mind that comes from LOYALTY to each other. You want to know that the little things that matter to you from the bills to a gray hair, bothers him as much as it does you.

You want to stay up and TALK about everything from politics, work, family, friends and even the future. You want to LAUGH at each other's stupid jokes and the smallest things but most importantly you want to LOVE and RESPECT each other.

You want a relationship that is not heavy on nonentities, and you are SECURE in each other's presence and absence. No one is guranteed the next day or one more minute but I want to be guaranteed a smile or a hearty laughter anytime I speak or hear from him. I want a RELATIONSHIP that is based on the LOVE OF GOD and the GENUINE search of the knowledge of him.

I want a walk by the beach, gazing at the star and letting our eyes do the talking. I want his eyes to yearn for me completely, I want a soul that WANTS me. A man who is not afraid to cry infront of me, one who will cradle me and wipe my tears for those days I decide to reminisce about life and unfulfilled dreams.

A renaissance man, who is complete mentally and psychologically. One who is secure enough to make a run to duane reade to pick up my toiletries or spend the day with me at Gucci trying on shoes and accesories.

I want some one who is accepting of those days that I'm hormonal and bloated enough to curse him out and bounce...come back minutes later with a tub of butter pecan ice cream like nothing happened. A man who will take me as I am and not worry about being treated like a KING in front of his peers. A man amongst men who when we do decide to do it, will make love to me wholly, completely, not necessarily gently ( need a thug to take out the cobwebs in one shot), a coming together that will climax in thunderous resonance of all we've been waiting and anticpating for.....

Monday, July 23, 2007

Why do women lie!

Oh boy, can I relate to this one! lol!!!

Believe me! some chicks are sheisty enough to lie about anything even the time of day and the color of their eyes lol!!!!

Women lie about everything, name it. Their name, virginity, age, number of men they've been with, hygiene,first time they had sex, if they've had an abortion, their real hair, religion, accent, education,phone number,address, when the sun sets..please feel free to add your own bit because this list is exhaustive.

I tend to believe the reason for most of these lies are circumstantial, Note the pointers below is only in the instance you are feeling homeboy and he needs your stats....Does it mean you need to lie, not necessarily but hey, to each his own.

How would you quantify your affection for a man if he wants to believe you're somebody else. hmm let's see, Best thing to do is tell him what he wants to hear:
  • if he desires a younger woman, by all means necessary shave off 10 years off your real age, who's to tell these days with night cream and wrinkle reducer guaranteed to give that baby skin feel.

  • if he likes perky breasts flip a u turn to Victoria secret, get some angels to lift and seperate your drooling assets.

  • if he wants a religous chick, please believe there are places that will ordain you a deaconess in 24 hours.

  • if he likes a woman who can cook, sneak in a bowl of soup from the nearest African restuarant or your mum's kitchen. Hopefully you can make eba for his viewing pleasure.(please tell me you can atleast make eba, boil some water,pour in a bowl and spray garri on it till it solidifies). You do know what Garri is???

  • if he's a mummy's boy (as most men are), if you have to pretend do it! love that woman like your life depends on it.Take all her BS and worse case scenario incase of a confrontations tell her you aint going nowhere, she might as well get used to you. Luckily she doesn't live with you and will never live with you.

  • if he's big on morals and has a phobia for freaks, can't help you there. That has to be one in million. Most guys will take a lady by day and a freak at night.

  • He likes lighter eyes and long hair, my specialty!. Try the pure hazel contact lens, they have them in disposables, if you do your homework well, he might never know your real eye color and yeah! it's the era of natural weaves.
  • Does he want a woman who speaks proper english, throw a "Britiko" accent on his a$$! even if you were born in Brooklyn or Aba.Talk all proper and "ish", wrap every word around your tongue. Works everytime.

  • If he wants to know how many men you've been with, get all emotional and play the cute kitten batty eyed bitch on him. Tell him you've been with just two (even if you went through a whole dorm of guys in college) and since three is a charm, you're sure he's real special.
I am not justifying irresponsible behavior but if the shoe fits, wear it with panty hose and stocking or whichever applies. Men have been doing it for years, why can't we partake of the foolwangy. Women will continue to do what they have to do to get at a man, including all of the above and men will be men and girls will be girls...... c'est la vie.

But in all honesty, why did it become a norm to instigate falseness to prove yourself, why do we owe the next person an explanation as to how we are and what we are. Yeah life throws a curve ball once in a while but it should never warrant duplicating an entirely different individual just to get a man's approval. Now if he' s rocking your world in the sack (chop knuckle for getting some and getting it good)! lie all you want babes, I ain't mad at you!!!!

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Why do men lie?

Why men lie!!

Men lie for various reasons! Of Importance is that it could be out of necessity, or in most cases lack of anything sensible or true to say.

I'm not going to justify anyone's frivolities but I will base my argument on actual events and facts.

A man will lie about size, it could be his shoe size, height, penis size, how long he can last in bed, the last time he had sex, how many women he's been with, if he's married or has a girlfriend. They mysteriously develop selective amnesia. it's like looking to find out what happend in Vegas!! You go wait long......

Let's start from the beginning,At the point of introduction, that gentleman will do anything humanly possible to make you happy, especially if you ain't "give it up yet. Massage your feet, pick up your laundry, designated driver. He'll even whip out his cards at mall and like a pimp tell you "go on baby! It's all bout you, pick anything you want".
Cross that border and homeboy starts forgetting his wallet at home or in his car.

Even when you do give it up, he goes on and on about how he can keep it up for days. How he got a 16 inch tool to work with. Fast forward action time, homeboy gets in and like a one way bus pass, gets right out.

You're like WTF!! Are you serious, he'll be like baby, "I'm sorry, I was too excited. It's just that you're so beautiful, your skin is like silk"

You think, well if you put it like that, I guess I believe you.Next time he lasts all of 2 minutes, ladies, this is when you should count your losses and lose home boy!

Men lie about their feelings everytime, initially they are so into you, they call, text, come around, buy flowers and expensive gifts. How do you define why he suddenly stops being expressive. How do you define making you look simple, when he stops returning calls and constantly lies about where he is and his state of mind. In all honesty he might not want to hurt your feelings. Feck the honesty, tell it straight, I'm a big girl, I'll take the fact that you found someone else or just mysteriously lost the same number you used to call 5 times a day.

Men will lie about moving on, he might have found someone else, you might be dealing with all sorts of challenges in the relationship, you can thaw it out with him and hope his mood swings stop, but when you decide to get to stepping, he wants to come back cos he aint found anyone like you.

Why do they do that? why would you hold on to something you are not sure of and then choose to return it at your convinience, this is not a store with flexible return policies. These are human emotions and feelings.

I had a conversation with a certain guy "around town" from my unilag days a few days ago. He claims women get into a laision with all these expectations. According to him, the fact that we slept together does not necesarily spell "love and marriage". Well how about a rain check next time and a warning that you're a walking time bomb, that has a phobia for commitment.

It is said that Sex is the easiest thing to get on the streets,how about a commitment? how about the beauty of saving yourself for the one true love of your life, assuming he thinks same of you. How about telling it like it is? How about falling in love for all the genuine reasons. When a woman meets a man,if it all comes together, she falls in love hopelessly. When a man meets a woman and it all comes together, I just wonder.....

Sunday, July 8, 2007

An ode to single parenthood.

Having read numerous articles by individuals who ignorantly express their opinions on of single parenthood, I would like to address some of these issues.

I am a single mother who made this choice not as a desire to get married, far from it, but for the sole reason that at that point in my life (having miraculously survived the terrorist attacks on the world trade center on 9/11) I could not bear to play games with life.Being a mother has been a joy but as an African, it has been an experience and I must say not a delightful one at times.

Certain analogy just goes to show the extent to which black people can be classist and egregious. As much as I want to live life as if I want an encore, I also want to satisfy my conscience. Since I could not bring myself to please my family and peer, I am the proud mother of a little boy.

He is such an adorable and lovable individual; I totally admire my son and think he has had another lifetime here. Nevertheless, importantly he has blessed my life in ways I could never imagine. My life is so much fuller, my dreams fulfilled. It’s like everything I touch turns to gold. My career has not only flourished but I have been able to imbibe my son’s innocence into my daily productivity and processing.

Now to the culture and traditions I was raised in, it is forbidden in Ibo land to have a child outside wedlock, especially in a family woven in Catholicism. You become a tokunbo, ostracized, tired and worn. I have met men who looked down on me and judged me once I tell them I have a child.

I know and have read about women who without meeting or knowing me assume I got pregnant to trap the baby's father into marriage.Far from it, marriage was not even an option as this pregnancy was not planned, and this relationship ended before the stick turned blue on the home test kit from Duane Reade.

I will take responsibility for my actions as an adult but while I am not an advocate of anything immoral, contraception does fail once in a while and even though we used protection and it failed, I look at my child everyday and agree he was meant to be here.

“It is what it is”, there are decisions we make in life. Emotional, psychological and spiritual, you let the tide of time sweep you up for posterity to judge.It is also important to note that people become single parents for various reasons either, by choice, widowed, divorced, spousal separation, immigration and incarceration. Yet in all these choices, the support system in the Diaspora though lacking becomes highly appreciated.

I hope for a good life for my child, and me if I am destined to do this again (bear children) I want to do it the right way, not that I regret my decision now as I am very blessed. I just know that the God ordained way for a family to function is to have two parents in a family structure raise children who will in turn pass these values to another generation.

Our orientation as Africans is that of holding the institution of marriage in very high esteem, regardless of how decadent our marriages are according due to recent polls. Nevertheless, there are beautiful people out there who deserve to know and love a child regardless of biological affiliations.

Civilization is moving at a supersonic speed and people from the western world pay tens of thousands of dollars and go to any length overseas to adopt children. However, a typical African man will rather marry a barren woman than be with a single mother because of the stigma and their ancient belief system.

I have seen relationships that have grown in leaps and bounds because of a level of maturity that these individuals manifest. To matter, raise God-fearing children, and grow old together until God calls them home.

For everything, I have been through in my very young life, for all the diplomas acquired and still to acquire, nothing compares to the joy of motherhood. I enjoy looking at my son and even though I will opt to share this experience with a partner because no drug will make me high enough to ever believe I can ever do this (parenting) alone, I am very happy and satisfied with my conscience.An ideal family should have a man and a woman in mutual understanding of each other's responsibilities.

Living in America and understanding this society's acceptance of a single parent family leaves me in awe of if this can ever happen in Nigeria. This is because of the evil meted out on widows by the late husband's family even if the man died of HIV/AIDS he contacted from a prostitute.

Life is hard enough; the only legacy we can leave for our children in this lifetime is the experiences we hold before the sunsets on our lives. I want to be remembered for the person my son becomes tomorrow, I owe him a good life because he is a choice I made and he deserves the love of everyone around me.